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Disorder Of Canada
It didn’t exactly go according to plan. I was supposed to somehow overcome the shit-knockin that passed as a childhood in the world of secrets and shame that I started running from the day the bell rang and we were expected to go in to a box and “pay attention” (?!) to a surly witch who mocked emotional children.
I started fucking off getting sick staying home drifting into my own mind on my own time… And -as they say in Newfoundland- the wind changed.
Somehow I- perennially cold-bummed, as ugly as beautiful- but unfortunately-( or fortunately as the case my be) with massive hooters- was supposed to just carry on , rise out of the ruin of my humiliation/”schooling”, and “be cool” inspite of my insane family and its car bomb style crippling neurotic righteous time travelling circus of madness-and have a normal life. With a Nice Guy. oh ok. Sure.
Knocked down, dragged out and then somehow rising from the ashes as some sort of traffic calmed wife.
i know you know, and you know I know- can’t be done.
It cannot be done.
Did that stop me from trying?
Ah! would that it could have.
I tried, as the jerk who’s words haunt me to this day- I tried “ too hard.”
I tried til my life looking back started to look like a wreck I could not understand.
Cause uh turned out i could not have a thin reserved hilarious accomplished wealthy lovely sexy true love. Nuh uh. not for me a ‘husband in the car.”
Not for me a simple handsome rugged truck driving fisherman’s son who fucked me with the tampon still in.Nope.
In fact, as the years rolled on it became clear- not for me a man …with a JOB, apparently.
Not for me a normal life.
The good news is I’m letting myself off the hook for things and congratulating myself for surviving and thriving inspite of the “thoughts of others” and the (way too many) wounded nuts I’d fucked.
First of all no-you can’t come back from that kind of mind fuck and do the right thing-and second- karma.
And third you actually insist on things being terrible.
You know deep in your gassy gut that your bacon gets brought home by your inner spouse, you keep yourself horney for your own sweet touch and your wear out your joints trying.
and thats the way the cookie crumbles for the wild and sensitive ones, Amen.
I had a lump in my throat, a bloated tummy and a cheese and sugar cold from the minute i touched down. I abandoned my authentic self and its wild courage when i got slammed in the door of comparison. I abdicated the full life i was potentially entitled to as I believed what they said- ‘i could do better but i just didn’t try hard enough’.
but thats not why I’ve called myself here.
Actually I want to give myself the Disorder of Canada.
i want to say “jeez jones. I’m telling you you made it! it DIDN’T kill you!
Like the one eared, blind, three-legged dog named Lucky- Miss Thing you are here, your clear and you’re goodness is popping.
Wow. thank You! This is an Honour.If i hadda known you were coming I woulda bleached my moustache.
smattering of (internal) laughter.
“BUT SERIOUSLY”- I just wanna say I’m sorry I blamed me in such a mean way for so long for a crazy world coming at me like chunks of up chuck from some brutal drunk guy who has just asked me “ How come you’re not as pretty as you are on television?”
What ‘cha gonna do?
well I know what I’m gonna do now, Sis.
I’m gonna tell it like it is, of course-but not( pulls out ring)
-without renewing my vows to me.
The Queen.Because if failure is the stuff of success- I/you/her/me/them am a WINNER.
It is in that spirit that i humbly accept the Disorder Of Canada with pride.
And- though many tried to help me and went away confused- in closing let me thank my team. Me.and… I kn ow I’m running long here, but I do want to say to me-I am so sorry i and others got hurt by my own desperate manoeuvres and sorry i shut my heart to you sorry and held a grudge against me for being so sensitive and angry all those years.and last weekend.and Im sorry it took so long to- instead of being defeated by the pain I’ve been thru,-congratulate myself for making it here intact.
Good job Jonesy! I look forward to your future offerings and I hope the wind will lift you as it has done so many wonderful times before!
Thanks for listening everybody and Cath-thank me you i us.
I am profoundly disordered as all all the best people-and I love you . and me.