Sally Doesn't like me

and suddenly i could give a rat's ass

because giving the ass of a rat is my downfall my shadow my attacker my assailant my downpressor my dirty windshield my illogical embarrassment my kidnapper my black out my go to my stumbling block my ten year weed haze fallout my ticket to misery my underlying ‘somethings off’ my agonizing comparison the revolving door of ‘told myself so’- its my just desserts my dinner for one my doubt my fear my anxiety my depression my writers block my thick head my fat stomach my saucy tongue and sensitive heart my humiliating lonliness my touch tone buttons my frayed wires . the dissappointment that i think I’m hiding my fussy hyper vigilant nose my ringing ears my wrinkly mouth my flat ass and my once brilliant now tight joints its my devastated confidence my abandoned heart my abused body my cowardly scrambled mind my lack of education and practice and discipline my inconsistency my snobbery my hi end taste my hard to please-ness my exhausting perfectionism and my endless procrastination its art unaccompanied going to the park or the theatre alone its being old unmarried sued by my ex its not having a card game or a writing partner because i let em all down at the crucial point its my lack of an agent a manager an assistant its me walking against the tide and getting there when its over its taking it and then cutting the bitches off after those deadly three strikes its regret and fretting and wanting it to be easy its my brothers’ rage and my ineptitude and disloyalty its my grudge against the cliques and the clans of this stupid town its being invisible its my paranoia my self flagellation my unfinished books and unspoken words and unshared exertion my undone buddhist practice its the friends ive lost and the ones i neglected the niggling lack of invites among the large number of parties I’ve thrown the I had it comings and the I’m a big failures its my NOBOdY likes me and anyone who does has reservations and wouldn’t ask me over unless they forget im a cunt who puts humour above human sensitivity for the big laugh that leaves them wanting no More and if they like me still its because they dont know me or because my cloying try too hard-iness has fooled them and my sharp wit has somehow slipped past their soft spot or they delight like i do in being challenged not to get mad its shutting people out needing to be loved wanting to be asked but not wanting to turn up its giving up on people finding people pedestrian and boring as fuck im too sensitive and too mean I take exception to being put down or left out or written off or misunderstood or pigeon holed or left unknown Im like jesus with the low life he befriended maybe he thought the smart guys wouldn’t like him either i have no follow thru I’m a flake i dont know how to be one of the girls I’m scared of the girls and i find the girls crazy making i accommodate too much then forget they exist. give my money to the wrong people and i suck at friendship im inconsistent spaced out guarded absent wandering off i get it. but i don’t care.nd i actually think sally does like me. its everyone else im suspicious of.

i no longer give the ass of a rat.i extended my paranoia about plot too push me out to a conviction that the lady who told me is really the one who doesn’t like me and she’s actually using sally as a pseudonym for ‘I “.